Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
