He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
