She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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