just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
