The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Let's paint friendship bongs
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
