i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
