i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
