Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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