on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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