I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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