then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
