so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she smelled like a LAN party
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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