The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
