Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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