Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
