well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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