if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
