Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
