who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
someone owes me an orgasm
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
