It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
