Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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