Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
