I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
