we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
