My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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