for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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