I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
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