We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
