when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
