Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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