Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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