shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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