I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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