so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter