I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
