I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
