i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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