he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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