Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
