she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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