you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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