I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
