Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I came so hard my ears popped.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
