Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
