I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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