I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
