This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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