finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
