drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
