I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
