all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sorry about my life...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
