I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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