Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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