i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
