I just threw up on my dentist
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She's the barista slut.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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