My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
