you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think your dad took our porno
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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