The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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