He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
