I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We left the knife in your bed.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
