well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
