My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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