coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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