Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
