I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
