Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
